Funny Retirement Quotes

A wise man once said, "....

Oh wait, that's not why you're here is it?  You actually need a wisecrack for your retirement speech.  Well, go ahead and pinch one of the funny retirement quotes below:

Check out a sample retirement speech here.

Humorous quotes about money:

  • “The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.” George Foreman

  • “When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.” Chi Chi Rodriguez
  • “Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” Gene Perret

  • “Retirement is when the living is easy and the payments are hard.” Author Unknown

  • “Today more people believe in UFOs than believe that Social Security will take care of their retirement.” Scott Cook

  • “I advise you to go on living solely to enrage those who are paying your annuities. It is the only pleasure I have left.” Voltaire

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Comparisons with Work Life:

  • “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” Abe Lemons

  • “There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.” Peter F. Drucker

  • “Retired is being twice tired, I've thought;
    First tired of working,
    Then tired of not.” Richard Armour

  • “The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.” Author Unknown

  • “Retirement: World's longest coffee break”. Author Unknown

  • “Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” Gene Perret

  • “When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.” Gene Perret

I want to show how clever I am with a funny poem here.

  • "Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did." Malcolm Forbes

  • I can enjoy a vacation as well as the next person, as long as I know it's a vacation and not a premature retirement.” Mary Crosby

  • “When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.” Gail Sheehy

  • “When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.” R.C. Sherriff

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Other funny retirement quotes:

  • “There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.” Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

  • “I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.” Hartman Jule

  • “Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever." Gene Perret

  • “Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf.” Gene Perret

  • “If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.” Doug Larson

  • “Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.” Ambrose Bierce

  • “Who knows whether in retirement I shall be tempted to the last infirmity of mundane minds, which is to write a book.” Geoffrey Fisher

  • “I will not retire while I've still got my legs and my make-up box.” Bette Davis

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