Funny Retirement Quotes

A wise man once said, "....

Oh wait, that's not why you're here is it?  You actually need a wisecrack for your retirement speech.  Well, go ahead and pinch one of the funny retirement quotes below:

Check out a sample retirement speech here.

Humorous quotes about money:

  • “The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.” George Foreman

  • “When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.” Chi Chi Rodriguez
  • “Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” Gene Perret

  • “Retirement is when the living is easy and the payments are hard.” Author Unknown

  • “Today more people believe in UFOs than believe that Social Security will take care of their retirement.” Scott Cook

  • “I advise you to go on living solely to enrage those who are paying your annuities. It is the only pleasure I have left.” Voltaire

Comparisons with Work Life:

  • “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” Abe Lemons

  • “There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.” Peter F. Drucker

  • “Retired is being twice tired, I've thought;
    First tired of working,
    Then tired of not.” Richard Armour

  • “The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.” Author Unknown

  • “Retirement: World's longest coffee break”. Author Unknown

  • “Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” Gene Perret

  • “When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.” Gene Perret

I want to show how clever I am with a funny poem here.

  • "Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did." Malcolm Forbes

  • I can enjoy a vacation as well as the next person, as long as I know it's a vacation and not a premature retirement.” Mary Crosby

  • “When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.” Gail Sheehy

  • “When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.” R.C. Sherriff

  • “I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.” Hartman Jule

On change:

  • “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”  Will Rogers

  • “Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
    And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.”  Robert Frost

  • “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”   Dr. Seuss

  • “I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”  Bill Watterson

  • “Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it.” Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

  • “The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.” Kurt Vonnegut

  • “We’ll never survive!”
    “Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.”   William Goldman, The Princess Bride

  • “Look at me! Look at me! Look at me NOW! It is fun to have fun but you have to know how.” Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat

  • “Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.”  Charles Schultz

  • “...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.”  Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures

Other funny retirement quotes:

  • “There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.” Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

  • “Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever." Gene Perret

  • “Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf.” Gene Perret

  • “There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.” P.G. Wodehouse

  • “Retirement is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden.” Orson Scott Card

  • "You're discharged now that you have an immunity to bosses" Fond-Farewell team

  • “Writers are never retired, just unpaid.” Kathy Skaggs

  • “Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too.” Charles Baxter

  • “Don’t forget: Ruts aren’t that much different . . .
    from graves.”  John-Talmage Mathis

  • “My style is “dress for the job you want,” and the job I want is retired independently wealthy eccentric recluse."  Anonymous

  • “If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.” Doug Larson

  • “Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.” Ambrose Bierce

  • “Who knows whether in retirement I shall be tempted to the last infirmity of mundane minds, which is to write a book.” Geoffrey Fisher

  • “I will not retire while I've still got my legs and my make-up box.” Bette Davis

  • " sad and bad and mad it was - but then, how it was sweet...” Robert Browning

  • “Got no checkbooks, got no banks. Still I'd like to express my thanks - I've got the sun in the mornin' and the moon at night.”  Irving Berlin

  • “Everything stinks till it’s finished.”  Dr. Seuss

  • “Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.” Charles M. Schulz

  • “The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.”  John Bingham, No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running

  • “When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.”
     Barney Stinson

  • “Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.”
    Francis Bacon

  • “The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse” Bill Watterson, It's a Magical World

  • “If you think your boss was stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have had a job if he was any smarter.” John Gottman

  • “I tried to contain myself... but I escaped!”   Gary Paulsen

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