Retirement Humor

So you're retiring?  Gettin' old? 

Laugh retirement in the face and lighten up with a bit of humor.

Pinch the following retirement jokes and quotes for the final farewell speech or the farewell card:

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  • The best thing about sixty-five is knowing everything, the best thing about retirement is having lots of time to tell you about it.

  • When do retiree's make plans for their exciting, new, madcap adventures?
    As soon as they've had their afternoon nap!

  • How many days are there in a Retiree's week?
    6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

  • How many retirees are needed to change a light bulb?
    Only one, but it might take all day.

  • Why are retired people who are misers so special?
    They make wonderful ancestors.

Surely there's a book out there with better jokes...

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  • What does a government retiree miss most about not having a job?
    Not being able to call in sick two or three times a month.

  • When is it a retiree's bedtime?
    Two hours after falling asleep on the sofa.

  • What is the typical retiree's greatest frustration?
    Not being able to complete all the things he had planned to do that don't need to get done in the first place. 

  • What is so special about the age sixty-five?
    You finally have enough experience and then have to retire!

  • What's the worst thing about retirement humor?

  • What do you call a sixty-five year old that hates their job but won't leave?
    Flat broke!

Are these jokes too terrible?

Try some funny quotes!

This joke is really punny...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

I can't take it any more!  Show me a sample retirement speech!

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